Twelve years, five months, three days, four minutes and eleven seconds in—Minjeong realises she’s quite ed. It doesn’t take a genius to identify what she’s feeling, though it takes an idiot like her to realise. She’s in love, and that’s great, but it’s not really. She’s in love with her best friend. Her best friend, Yu Jimin, who she’s known since high school, who she lived with briefly in college and who she knows inside out.

It would be great to be in love with Yu Jimin, that is, if she wasn’t her best friend. Her best friend, who doesn’t see her that way at all.

Love wasn’t an easy subject to discuss between the two of them. Jimin liked talking to people, meeting them, and she liked playing hot and cold. Minjeong can’t really recall definite details but there’s been a few relationships and failed talking stages through the years. On the other hand, Minjeong hasn’t had that many instances of romance. She did a few talking stages; she hooked up with a few, but there wasn’t anything she really wanted. She was already stewing in her own anxiety and bouts of depression. Since she was a child, she didn’t think she’d really need someone else to experience her sadness with her.

But it’s unfortunate how hard it crashes into Minjeong like a plane without its trained pilot. It falls without warning and Minjeong can hear her heart in her ears. She was just sitting on the floor of Jimin’s apartment, listening to the girl retelling gossip she’s heard at her workplace. It’s been days since they’ve both been able to get a break like this. Usually, they’d go out to eat, hang out and get drunk with their other friends, but tonight, it’s just them. 

“Can you believe it?” Jimin laughs, her shoulder bumping into Minjeong’s as they sit by each other. She scoops ice cream into and it sputters out at Minjeong when she can’t keep her laugh in.

“Ew! Jimin, that’s gross!” Minjeong is pushing Jimin away, and she can feel the cold stickiness of the ice cream specks on her skin.

“S-sorry!” Jimin wheezes.

It’s then, with Jimin breathless from laughing at whatever story she was telling because Minjeong wasn't really paying attention because she thought how cute and cosy Jimin looked in her oversized cat print pyjamas. With the way Jimin’s laughing so hard and rolling around on the hardwood floor, it’s as if all time stills in their quiet solace. Jimin’s always looks beautiful, but like this unkempt and so unapologetically herself, Minjeong appreciates her beauty in a new natural light.

And there’s the plane crashing, right down in front of Minjeong’s eyes as Jimin giggles. Windchimes against the quiet thrumming of a speeding heartbeat. It’s Jimin’s laugh that drowns out and Minjeong’s heartbeat drums in her ears mercilessly. 

.

Minjeong thinks she’s ed.

A cold sweat forms and a hot flush overcomes her body. It’s like her body has slipped into fight or flight and she sure feels flighty. She’s never thought of her best friend like this, never in a million years that they’ve been friends. But maybe there was that lapse in judgement where Minjeong thought she was going to be alone forever and no one was going to know her like Jimin. No, but that’s different. This is—this is too much. Too much for her to handle.

“Minjeong?” 

Suddenly Jimin is in front of her, kneeling and looking at her with a curious look. is clear of ice cream and Minjeong realises that Jimin’s cleaned her face too as she looks down at the tissue in Jimin’s hand. 

“Are you okay? You just spaced out a bit.” Jimin’s concern almost makes her freeze up.

Did you see it too? Did you feel it? Did you hear it? The way I almost thought I was in love with you? Yeah. . Minjeong panics.

“Uh, yeah, sorry.” Minjeong blinks and she can feel a blush rising to her cheeks. She cannot let Jimin see her like that. “You just look stupid with ice cream in your hair.”
“My hair?” Jimin gasps. “No! I just washed it!” She whines.

Jimin runs to the bathroom and Minjeong remains on the floor, catching her breath. She places the bowl she had her ice cream in against her face to cool her panic down.

She’s not in love with Jimin.

No way.

.⋆｡⋆☂˚⋆｡˚☆˚｡⋆.

There’s just no way.

“Sweetheart, are you alright?” Joohyun throws her a curious glance. 

“W-what?” Minjeong blinks.

She runs over to her sister’s house for an escape, but she realises the mistake of it. She’s not a teenager anymore and her sister isn't the best candidate for dating anymore. Minjeong is the aunt of two kids and Joohyun is happily married. Her sister’s place used to be where she’d escape. The solitude and careful questions made her feel safe against her pushy parents, who couldn’t understand why she was the way she was.

“Sorry, I know the kids are going through toddler puberty right now, but are you okay?” Joohyun sighs softly as she sits down next to her on the sofa and it dips. “You seem flight-ier than usual. If that’s even a word.”

“It’s nothing.” Minjeong dismisses it.

“I haven’t seen you in a while. Tell me what’s up.” Joohyun pats her knee and Minjeong swallows thickly.

“Seriously, nothing’s up.” Minjeong shakes her head. 

“Minjeong…” Joohyun’s gentle touch on her knee feels patronising all of a sudden. “Are you sure you’re not feeling… bad again? You’ve been off meds for a while. I can talk to your psychologist, doctor—”

Suddenly, the conversation steers in a direction Minjeong hates to revisit and she jerks back from Joohyun.

“I said I’m okay!” Minjeong huffs, standing up from the couch.

“Yeah, but I’m worried about you.” Joohyun frowns, standing up too. “It’s different now that I have my own family. You barely talk to our parents and I know you struggle talking to your friends too.”

“That doesn’t have to do with what I’m feeling now. I’m fine!” Minjeong frowns.

“I can’t help but be worried about you, Minjeong.” Joohyun presses on. “We haven’t talked a lot recently and—”
“Jesus, I’m fine! You’re not my mother; get off my ing case!” Minjeong bursts.

“Don’t talk to me like that!”

Slap!

Minjeong blinks and Joohyun gasps softly. Minjeong’s face is covered by her hair from the sudden whiplash. She turns slowly, cradling her burning cheek as she stares at her sister in disbelief. Joohyun’s eyes are wide and she covers in shock and Minjeong can see the way her hands tremble. But seeing it like this, Minjeong suddenly sees their mother in Joohyun and she’s never made that comparison ever. She’d always thought Joohyun resembled their father a little more.

“Min, I didn’t…” Joohyun’s voice shakes.

“It’s fine.” Minjeong steels, ignoring the prickling heat behind her eyes. She walks over to the dinner table and grabs her bag and her belongings before walking out the door. “I’m going home.”

She goes home on the bus fighting some kind of nausea that keeps rising up. Her eyes burn and her cheek still kind of hurts. She never thought she’d get that kind of reaction from her own sister and now Joohyun’s messaging her, but she’ll deal with it another time.

She thinks she wants to see Karina.

< What are u doing?

Karina’s reply comes a few minutes later.

> I’m with Jeno rn. U remember him?

Minjeong frowns, trying to recall a Jeno.

< Ur ex bf from ninth grade?? 

< Why are u with him?

> Well, he dmed me and we’ve been talking for a whileeee

> he asked me out to dinner two days ago and I just said yes on a whim bc why not honestly.

> he’s sooo cute omg. He grew up so well, but also like, he’s so gentlemanly.

Minjeong swallows the bile, threatening to come up and she doesn’t know why something in her chest burns. It’s not right. Why does it bother her that Jimin is talking to some guy from her past? 

< be safe

> also why’d you message me? Did u need something?

Minjeong swallows thickly, her thumb shaking as it hovers over the keyboard. Why did she message her best friend? What did she need? She needs to work, she needs to calm down, and she wants to be held, but it’s nothing compared to what Jimin’s doing now. It’ll pass for Minjeong, but an opportunity like this won’t come again for Jimin. At least that’s what she thinks.

< Nothing. Just wanted to check up on u

> awwww u missed me !!

< Shut up

Minjeong walks home and she sits on the floor of her apartment, bringing her knees to her chest as she tries to take deep breaths. She doesn't know why but it feels like her chest is caving in on itself all of a sudden. She tries doing all the coping strategies taught to her over the years but she can’t do it. She paces her kitchen floor and grips her phone in her hand. She’s meant to tell someone when she’s feeling like this, but she can’t. She doesn’t know why. She hasn’t felt like this in ages, and now it hits her out of nowhere and renders her useless.

She doesn’t think she can do it anymore.

She runs into her bathroom and strips herself before standing underneath steaming hot water to calm down.

.⋆｡⋆☂˚⋆｡˚☆˚｡⋆

“Okay, you look horrible; what the hell happened?” Aeri frowns at her.

She’s sitting at a local café, having lunch with one of her close friends, Aeri. She’s known Aeri since elementary school, which is sometimes why Aeri doesn’t feel like her best friend. She feels like another sister or a cousin at best. They’ve been so close that they’re past friendship.

“I… I think I like someone.” Minjeong fiddles with the cup sleeve of her drink.

“Oh, ? Who?” Aeri leans forward.

Jimin’s name gets stuck in and for someone who always talks about Jimin, she finds it strange that she can barely utter her name.

“…” Minjeong covers her face with her clammy hands. “This is ed!”

“Woah, hey, what’s wrong? Don’t tell me you’re in love with a criminal.” Aeri jokes, but Minjeong knows Aeri is worried.

“It’s—I like Jimin. I’m in love with Jimin.” Minjeong decides to let the cat out of the bag.

Aerie’s silence is unnerving and so Minjeong peeks at her through the gaps between her fingers. Aeri’s eyes are wide and is opening and closing like a fish.

“Say something?” Minjeong sighs.

“ Wow. You are so gay.” Aeri chortles. “Falling for your best friend, really?”

And somehow, Aeri always knows how to not make Minjeong feel worse. The teasing doesn’t aggravate her, but it feels slightly better now that someone else knows. 

“How long?” Aeri asks.

“A while—maybe.” Minjeong shrugs. “I just looked at her and I felt like I had love for her wanting to burst from my seams. I just… I don’t know.”

“You’ve been thinking about this a lot, yeah?” Aeri asks softly and Minjeong nods. “It’s okay, you know. It’ll pass if you want it to.”
“What if... what if I don’t get past this?” Minjeong whispers. “I’ve never felt like this before.”

“Slowly, yeah?” Aeri pats her head. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

Minjeong nods, fiddling with her drink as she tries to believe Aeri.

“Do you think you should tell her?” Aeri asks.

“Should I?” Mineong looks up at her.

“Well, maybe. If you’re this out of it, she’s going to notice you’re being weird.” Aeri says. “You guys are always with each other. She’s bound to notice.”
“I just—I don’t want to lose her.” Minjeong swallows.

“You’re not, okay?” Aeri smiles encouragingly. “She loves you and I love you. This is nothing compared to your friendship. Don’t let it get in the way.”

Right. This is nothing. It’s going to go away.

It doesn’t really.

Not at all.

.⋆｡⋆☂˚⋆｡˚☆˚｡⋆

It’s late in the night and Minjeong doesn’t really know why she’s standing outside of Jimin’s apartment. She had gone out earlier and had a semi-successful hookup before she realised it didn’t really make her feel good at all. She cried pathetically and began walking home, but somehow she ended up right outside Jimin’s home. She has a hand on her door, preparing to knock but her hand freezes mid-air and shakes. Why is she nervous to see her best friend? She doesn’t know why she’s coaching either. She has a spare key, one that Jimin only gave to her when she first moved in.

“I have a present for you since you’re such a good little helper.” Jimin grins, twisting at her feet as she hides something behind her back.

“Is it cash?” Minjeong grins, leaning back onto the kitchen counter after she almost busted her back hauling boxes of Jimin’s belongings up into this new space. 

“Better.” Jimin beams, bringing out her hand as she grabs Minjeong’s.

She pries Minjeong’s hand open flat with her palm facing up. She drops keys into it and Minjeong blinks at it.

“Keys?” Minjeong looks up at her in confusion.

“Yes! To my apartment!” Jimin giggles.

“Jimin, this is not a gift for my hard work.” Minjeong groans. “I feel like I should be hospitalised, and you should pay the bills for it.”

“Well, you can just come over to my place and rest as much as you want with these keys.” Jimin says. “Free hospitalisation.”

“Sure.” Minjeong snorts, smiling at how silly her best friend is. “But you’re forgetting I have my own apartment. Which you also did not help me move into.”
“I helped you decorate and also, your place is like Ken’s mojo dojo casa house.” Jimin rolls her eyes. “Coming here is better than any resort.”

“Okay,” Minjeong says, shaking her head in disbelief. “Don’t complain if I’m here too much.”
“I would never!”

Minjeong shakes her head, retracting her hand from the door knob. She should just go. She turns away, prepared to go home to wallow in her own patheticness, but then a light and the sound of a door opening startles her.

“Minjeong?”

.

Minjeong turns around, plastering the best smile on her face she can muster. 

“Hey,” Minjeong scratches her neck.

“Hi. What are you doing here?” Jimin smiles brightly.

“Um, I was just in the area and I just thought, well, I could pop in and visit you. Check up on you and all that…” Minjeong suddenly feels like she’s been caught doing something she shouldn’t have been.

“Visits? We’re doing that now?” Jimin says and Minjeong almost hates the way her red lips curl into a teasing smirk.

“Well, I feel bad you’re always coming down to mine.” Minjeong shrugs, trying to be nonchalant with every fibre in her being.

“But that’s because I have a car and I drive, puppy.” Jimin smiles softly but a look of concern flashes in her eyes. “But, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Minjeong shakes her head. “Uh, I think I’m going to go, actually. It’s late.”

“Wait. Um, I have Jeno over.” Jimin squirms and she blushes—like she actually blushes. And Minjeong hates that the cute flush on Jimin’s cheek is from her doing but from a boy who is nothing but lovely. “But he’s leaving soon. We were just hanging out, but you can stay over and hang out with me?”

Jimin is reaching o