Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

Jaejoong canceled his plans with his friends.

It was last minute and he knew that would irritate them, but he simply couldn't do it.

He felt on the edge of breaking down. His eyes were alright burning and stinging. He couldn't hide his distress from them, not when he looked as he knew he looked.

If he met up with them, he knew he would come clean. They would hound him till he told them everything. He was not ready. He would never be ready. He did not want to think about it.

Jianyu was pissed, but he could barely breathe. He could not meet them. And he ignored all of their phone calls.

It hurt.

How could it hurt so much when he was the one that turned him down? He was the one that didn't want to be with him.

So, why must it hurt so much?

It felt like the right thing to do, because he was so angry and hurt. He wanted to make him hurt as much as he had been hurting, truth be told. But he wanted him. He wanted to be crushed in Yunho’s thick arms and be kissed again.

He liked him so much. 

He liked the Yunho he had gotten to know as A.aime and as Jung Yunho this summer. Yunho knew it, too, but he couldn't give in. He would be betraying his high school self.

Right?

He was afraid of everything: his feelings for Yunho and Yunho's feelings for him. He wished he could be as forgiving and as carefree as Yunho's, but he wasn't. It still hurt. He couldn't let go of the pain he endured in high school, regardless of how much he had tried. Nor could he untie Yunho from those dark, bitter feelings, and he had tried. Still, he also liked Yunho, too. Enough to want to be with him and forgive him, but he felt shame at the thought. As if he would be betraying himself and everyone included who had worked hard to help him collect his broken pieces and put him back together.

Could what he and Yunho shared ever be healthy? Be good for him?

He felt stupid knowing he rejected Yunho simply because he could not deal with the extent of his feelings.

He felt maddeningly stupid. Ridiculous.

He had made the right choice, that he refused to think differently about, but it did not feel right.

A.aime was Yunho, and he knew that. A.aime was the real Yunho. The Jung Yunho he never got to meet in high school.

A.aime, Yunho, had told him about his history. He had always maintained that he was ashamed of his past and who he was in high school. Most people were trash people in high school, but Yunho had been trash to him, not some faceless, nameless high schooler. But, he had been battling with his own demons, Jaejoong tried to reason. But still, he had stood by while Nathen tortured him because his pride had been hurt over a girl not wanting him.

He had to admit, however, Yunho was not a coward anymore. 

Now it was him. He was the one that was running away from things and too scared to face his emotions.

He was not as healed as he had thought he had been. He was still running away.

He had to stop driving. He feared getting into an accident. Pulling into a local park in his neighborhood that was empty, he parked, got out and headed for the swings.

Sitting in a swing, Jaejoong knew he needed to talk to someone. He needed his support system to rally around him.

He called Bryan, ready to come clean and get him to his wounds and make him feel good and secure about his decisions.

“What’s wrong?” Bryan asked, alarmed when he heard Jaejoong’s voice.

“I am ready to come clean.”

“What?”

And Jaejoong started crying. “It’s Yunho.”

“Ooh, baby. I knew.”

And he felt even stupider. 

He cried harder.

After he calmed down, he told him everything. From his long conversations with Lani to every minute details about the way he sees Yunho every day, all the activities they’ve done over the summer, every heartbeat and tremble, and the horrible, heartbreaking conversation they just had.

It felt relieving and heart wrenching at the same time. He could not hold his emotions back anymore.

It would be so easy if he could just meet up with his friends and tell them the truth and have them console him, but they knew Yunho. they knew what he had gone through with him and his group of friends. They know. They would judge and would not understand. He was their friend and they would try to act like they did and support him, but they would not. No one could.

“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth from the get go? You’ve been needlessly torturing yourself.”

“I know that! But I was embarrassed and did not want you to judge me.”

“Judge you where? You know everything about me. You know I am not perfect.” He sighed and controlled himself. “But this is not about me. I just wished you had had more confidence in me—our friendship. I am always here for you.”

“I do. That’s why I am coming to you,” he snapped.

“Hey, calm down. I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I feel so ing stupid.”

“Don’t. happens. There is nothing wrong with you liking him.”

“There is. We have a history.”

“Yes. A history that is dark and horrible. He was horrible for being a passive supporter. But he has changed, he has apologized. Dude, don’t for a moment act like you do not understand where he was coming from.”

“Are you supporting Yunho?”

“No. I am your friend, I am supporting you. I want you to be happy.”

“And how is your bully sympathy going to help me?” he asked sharply.

Bryan gasped. “Jaejoong, do you hear yourself right now?”

He did. He always did, and knew he was a hypocrite, and was saying things and behaving in ways he thought were appropriate and others approved of. He was embarrassed.

“I….” He groaned. “Bryan, I am scared.” Of himself and his feelings. He wished someone would just tell him what to do and how to feel and think.

“Jaejoong, I know you are. But you do not have to be, honestly.”

“You do not understand.”

“No. I don’t, because I’ve never been in your exact shoes. However, listen to me. I know what I am talking about when I say this: You’re the one who has spent a million sleepless nights talking to Yunho. Tell you what, what did he come off as when he was A.aime?”

He paused, his chest constricting. Sharp pain stabbed him.

The Yunho he had the chance to get to know in the past few weeks have been exactly the same as the A.aime he developed a crush on.

Yunho had told him about his regrets, which he knew involved him when he realized Yunho was A.aime. He knew how much Yunho hated who he was when he was in high school: weak, a follower, and scared of being hated for being his true self.  Plus, he knew the fear of being a gay Korean teen. He had been there. He had lucked out. He knew he was lucky to have the family and friends he did.

“Yunho is not A.aime.”

“Who is?” 

Jaejoong inhaled. “What should I do?”

“I want to say what everyone else things and will ask of you and do what you want. But, I don’t know.”

“Well, I also don’t know.”

Bryan sighed. “Jaejoong, I know what I would do, but I am not you. Do what makes you happy. Do what you know in the long run you won’t regret.”

He did not give a reply.

“Jaejoong, you here?”

He started breathing loudly through his parted lips. “Yeah,” he coughed. 

“So?”

“I asked you because I don’t know.”

“I am trying to be helpful here.”

Jaejoong paused and decided to stop being rude and muttered, “Thank you, Bryan. For everything, you know. I appreciate having you as a friend, and I am sorry for withholding this from you.”

“Don’t be. Really, everything is fine. I have never experienced this, so who knows if I would have not behaved exactly as you have.” Jaejoong heard his huge intake of breath, as if he had been running on empty. “Just do what you know will make you happy, regardless of what you think others will say or think. We’re not kids anymore, you know?”

He knew that and that’s why he had done what he had.

“Then I made the correct decision.”

Bryan paused before he said, “Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay; if you need anything, don’t hesitate. I am always here for you. And remember, this is only temporary. Things that lead to death are the only permanent things we should spend sleepless nights worried about.”

“And the poet spoke,” he laughed. 

He did not feel better. He felt worse with every passing second.

“Don’t sound so sad.”

He could not help but recall Yunho’s disappointed face.

--------------

“So, are you ready to tell me why you stood us up yesterday?” Lilia asked, barging into his bedroom.

Jaejoong sat up in his bed, knowing he looked like a nightmare. He spent the whole night crying.

“I am sorry.”

He sounded like he was down bad with a horrible fever.

“Don’t mean---” She did not look as angry as she was trying to sound. She frowned as she studied him. “Ooh . What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Well if I’ve ever heard a lie. You look and sound horrible."

"Thank you for that confidence boost."

She rolled her eyes and walked further in his bedroom and dropped on the egd of his bed. "JJ, is this a heartbreak playlist you have rolling?"

He made quick work of snatching his phone and turning Giveon's soulful voice on Favorite Mistake off.

"Lilia. What is privacy in this house?"

She rolled her slim shoulders. "I don't live here. But I can tell my friend, best friend, looks like he has been crying all night and he canceled plans at the last minute with his best friends last night. After being ridiculously excited."

He pulled his legs up and hugged his knees, hiding his face on his thighs.

Yunho's pained expressions flashed on the back of his eyelids. He popped his eyes open and looked past Lilia, staring at the white walls of his childhood bedroom.

"Can't I just have had a bad night?"

! He was going to cry again.

His throat was starting to hurt and dry up.

He heard her her teeth. "Sure. But I know you. You know me. So, tell me: what’s the real reason you canceled last night?”

He dared to look into Lilia’s soft, open, welcoming face, he wanted to just come clean and lighten his conscience, but why create a bigger mess? She did not need to know. It was already over and taken care of.

But if he tried to lie more to her, she would find a way to make him come clean and then everything would go to .

He had wrecked his soul and broken Yunho's heart because he wanted that chapter of his life closed. Yunho was letting him win this fight. Now it was his turn to make sure no one, other than Bryan, knew about his summer fling.

“The real reason...” And he had to stop. He attempted to swallow the ball of emotions in his throat.

“What?” She scowled scotting closer to drop a soft, warm hand on the top of his foot. "What happened?"

“I….” His eyes sting and he had to hide his face again.

. This really hurts.

“Hey. It's okay. I'm here. Always.”

He tasted his tears. He had to say something. Not the whole truth, but something.

He settled on a half truth. “I got rejected.”

“What!” Her eyes widened in shock. “He's not worth your tears. You're amazing," she said in a definitive voice, pulling him in a hug.

“Don’t tell my sisters,” he mutters into her shoulder. 

“Never. I am so sorry, boo,” she cooed, running his hands down his back in small, soothing circles. "And if you want this to be the last time we talk about it, it shall be."

Guilt swamped him.

“It’s fine; I'm fine. It happens.”

“He does not realize what he is missing. Truly.”

“Does he not now?” he muttered.

“Yes,” she said, pushing him back to be able to stare into his earnest eyes. “You are beautiful, smart, and you deserve the world.”

Would she still think him smart if she knew who he was pining after? He could not help but wonder.

“You know I am right.”

He nodded, leaning back for a hug. He pressed his forehead on her shoulder and closed his eyes.

She ran her hand down his head to the base of his nape. “You know what, let’s get drunk tonight.”

He groaned.

“Don’t groan.” She laughed. Grabbing his shoulders she shook him, her smile blindening. “Alcohol and loud music cures the initial hurt."

"I'd rather marinat in my filth in here."

"Eww. That will not happen."

"Jang Lilia," he whined.

"I know of this little party that’s being held in North Orange Grove.”

“God.”

“Do not take the Lord's name in vain,” Jinjoo said, standing in his doorway.

He blanched and pulled back and stared at her.

“What?” She asked nonchalantly, walking in.

Now both he and Lilia were staring at her in silence.

“So, do you want to tell me why Lilia wants to get you drunk? You’re underaged.”

The friends shared a look. His older sister rolled her eyes. 

“Pssh. Boy, just spill it. What is it?”

“Nothing.” He tried to lie.

“Okay then, I guess momma and poppa can know about your great little plan for tonight.”

“I am an adult and I do not have to share everything with you?” he felt the veins on his forehead bulging.

“Yes, true, but as your older sister, I think I  deserve to know what this little meeting is all about.”

Lilia reached for his hand and squeezed his fingers.

If his family knew about Yunho and him, he did not know what he would do. He could deal with his friends knowing and thinking he was a piece of and stupid, but he did not know how he would deal with his sisters and parents knowing. They would never accept it. 

If his lie could work on Lilia, it would work on her, too. 

“She just wants to help me get over a heartbreak.”

She arched an eyebrow, pressing her knee on his mattress. “A heartbreak now?”

“I got rejected.”

“Didn’t you swear we were wrong and you weren’t talking to anyone.”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “For real, older-sis!”

“Yes. You lied.”

“Because this family gives no one privacy.”

She shrugged. “You’re right.”

“Also, I just do not feel comfortable talking to my sister about my love life.”

She arched that annoying eyebrow again. 

“Thirteen-year-old Jaejoong is different from nineteen-year-old Jaejoong?”

“Yes, exactly!”

She gave him a firm nod. “Okay, captain. We’ll stay out.”

“Thank you.” Looking at Lilia he smiled and said, “Count me in for tonight.”